


Ashes to ashes

by Nelja-in-English (Nelja)



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-19
Updated: 2013-02-19
Packaged: 2017-11-29 20:25:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/691080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nelja/pseuds/Nelja-in-English
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After "Last of the Time Lords", the Doctor looks at the flames...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ashes to ashes

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Ashes to ashes](https://archiveofourown.org/works/537131) by [Nelja](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nelja/pseuds/Nelja). 



> English is not my first language. I apologize for any mistake, and I would be happy if you'd point them to me.
> 
> It all belongs to the BBC.

The Master's funeral pyre burns in the night. It's not the same as it once was, the Doctor gazes at this light in the dark, he doesn't averts his eyes from it to avoid burning them, but it still reminds him of Gallifrey vanishing in flames.

Of course, it's the same feeling. He's totally alone now.

He knows Martha and Jack are here. They don't dare coming close to him, because all their friendship could offer is a lack of understanding, not  
quite reproachful. They suffered too much during the year which never was, but which still bears upon their shoulders.

They respect his mourning and the forgiveness he gives, but they don't try to pretend they can share.

The Master didn't understand either when the Doctor forgave him. He sees in these words only a useless and meaningless quirk from the one to lose, an insult from one to win. He didn't know how meaningful it was from a no second chances man.

And he probably didn't understand either how much the Doctor wanted to hear the same words from him. He humiliated him in many ways this year, but never played refusing him this. When he talked about Gallifrey, he did not reproach him anything, he seemed interested in the process of destroying it, a little jealous maybe, and it hurt. But he never forgave him, never talked about not forgiving.

And now, the Doctor will never have absolution, not from someone who matters. Maybe the Master knew, maybe not talking was his way to make things worse.

The Doctor never really knew him, it was just all a meaningful claim. He never understood him. He thought he did once, he saw a dark coherency between their Academy friendship, his will to live, and his lust for power.

But now he must reckon with this sound of war drums the Master never told him about. He must count the cruel way the Master played with him during a year without ever claiming his victory by destroying him. He must account for what he saw of professor Yana. The Doctor praised his genius and his self-sacrifice, it was an admirable human, far better than the Doctor himself had been ; a lost potentiality, a part of the Master no one could suspect of, probably not even the Master himself. And the Doctor can no longer tel he understands all of him - he understands nothing at all.

He thought the Master couldn't kill himself, because once he had done everything that could be just to live a little longer. But now, he saw him choose death over failure, choose destruction over a life with him. He wonders now what stopped him when he could have blown them up with the Earth, what was in him which could stand dying, but not killing him or killing them both.

Maybe the Master just gave the real reasons. Maybe, with his only freedom left being death, he could win only by making his lose everything, by breaking his heart and building his fortress in the scattered shards, by dying in his arms to live within him, totally victorious here.

The Doctor can't be sure, and the only thing he knows is that he'll never understand, he'll never know how much he lost today. All he could have known or understood about the Master, all what could have been disappears tonight in the flames. And al the end, all that remain from hopes of friendship, respect, understanding or forgiveness is a small ash heap.


End file.
